My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?