Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.