Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
How do you milk an almond?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.