I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
You Might Also Like
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Woke up against my better judgment again
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought