Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Wednesday
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.