Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
describing stardew valley