me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys