I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*jingles half the way*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*