[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You Might Also Like
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Wise advice
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
This is my brand.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?