Can Happiness buy money?
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*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone