Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN