Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
mariah carrie
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Oh my god
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.