A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
There is no “we” in pizza
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.