Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
You Might Also Like
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Incredible customer service.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people