I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.