Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know