7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
#CoronaOutbreak
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.