This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”