Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
there’s probably a fee though
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.