When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You Might Also Like
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Y’all know who you are.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Is your wife single?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Ooh I do like a good funnel
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open