My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.