What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
me, after any kind of buffet.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.