My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.