Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Strangers have the best candy.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?