left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.