Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Running from your problems is cardio .
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political