Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!