boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge