[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
technically true but not a great slogan
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Stop it! 😂
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
One of the best
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.