I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I saw nothing
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp: