lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
the #horror is real!
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
What kind of a cult is this?
Krampus.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this