Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I needed a laugh this morning.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best