Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.