It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
These 3D printers are insane!