age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.