The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.