A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.