If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
You Might Also Like
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over