Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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Vodka burrito was a success
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.