If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm