My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert