apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
You Might Also Like
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical