Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
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Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
This is enough internet for the day.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
me opening up to someone
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”