I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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True
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.