Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
You Might Also Like
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”