Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand