What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.