Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.