Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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Kids: Stay in school.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
U talkin 2 me?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..