[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
How animals would run if they were human
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.